mirrorsaphoenix | Entries tagged with musing way

Passenger by the Deftones

I feel like a passenger in my own life lately. I’m a passenger who doesn't really get to make many decisions about where we're going. It just seems like everything that is happening nowadays is because of Katherine or because of something she orchestrated a long time ago. Even when I try to take control and make the decisions myself, something goes horribly wrong. Jenna either gets compelled to stab herself -- or Katherine hires a witch to do a spell that links the two of us together. Damon tried to kill her and rid us all of her and her threat to people's lives. The problem was that whatever they did to her would happen to me, too. They couldn't risk staking her because it would have killed me, too. If Jeremy hadn't gotten to Damon and Stefan the night of the masquerade, I would be dead. Until Bonnie or someone else can figure out a way to break what she did, I have to stay linked to her. If anything happens to her, it will happen to me. Rather than protecting my family from her, I and the people I love are forced to keep her alive and run the risk of her causing more trouble.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way ready to die any time soon. I just don't like the idea that we have to keep someone so dangerous safe because it could cost me my life. I hate that the others have to go through this, but more than anything, I hate that Damon has to go through this. If I could save him the pain and conflict of all of this mess, I would. He, of all people, doesn't deserve to be hurt any more by Katherine. It's not right that he has to be on guard duty for me or for her all of the time. It's not right that she gets to keep doing things to rub against the scars and the wounds she's already caused him.

Only now, I'm helping to hurt him and I hate that more than anything. I love him, and it's because of me that this is happening. I want to be back in the driver's seat of my life so that I could at least control one thing and make it stop.

But I’m too much of a coward to do the one thing that would save him and all of the rest of us. Because, I know without a doubt, that the only thing that would free the people I love from the threat of Katherine and anyone who is loyal to her would be my own death.

I’m not that brave.

Muse: Elena Gilbert
Fandom: Vampire Diaries (TV)
Words: 450
Disclaimer: I am not Elena Gilbert, nor am I Nina Dobrev. Elena is a character created by writer LJ Smith, and Kevin Williamson, Julie Plec and Nina Dobrev bring her to life on the TV series

I used to be really good at communication. Before the accident and everything about my life changed, I was able to verbalize just about anything I wanted to. I was involved in everything and certainly never had a problem letting my thoughts or opinions be known. I was never considered shy or quiet or anything like that. I kept a journal, but that wasn't a sign of how introspective I was. I just had always kept one.

Then the accident happened and I survived when my parents didn't. I know I withdrew a lot from people and I even broke up with Matt. The whole near death thing made me realize that I wanted something different than what I was already doing.

When I met Stefan, I thought that he was the one I was supposed to be with. He seemed to arrive in town right when I needed someone that was stronger than I was. I loved him. I thought I was in love with him.

I was wrong and I knew that when I first met Damon.

Damon wasn't what I would have considered safe, but I know now that I never wanted that. I wanted someone to love me for me, and who trusts me enough to talk to me. I needed someone who believed in me enough to let me stand on my own and to be honest with me.

I don't know when it exactly was that I realized that it was Damon I had fallen in love with. I know that it was close to the time I wrecked my car and we took that road trip. It was fun and I wasn't worried about keeping up appearances. I also knew that no matter what was happening, Damon would keep me safe.

The problem was that I was still with Stefan and I didn't want to hurt him.

That led to stupidity and me hurting Damon instead -- which was something I had never wanted to do.

I love Damon. I'm in love with Damon. I can't imagine not having him in my life.

But I think that one stupid, stupid failure in my communication skills may have ruined any chance I may have had with him.

He's the Salvatore I want to be with. It was never Stefan and always Damon.

I was just too stupid to say it.

And I lost him.

Muse: Elena Gilbert
Fandom: Vampire Diaries (TV)
Words: 400
Disclaimer: I am not Elena Gilbert, nor am I Nina Dobrev. Elena is a character created by writer LJ Smith, and Kevin Williamson, Julie Plec and Nina Dobrev bring her to life on the TV series

It was easier when I was taking second place in his heart to only a ghost -- a memory of the woman he had loved for so long. It was easier to pretend that way. Easier to pretend that I wasn't afraid that she was going to come here and destroy my life. I knew how devoted both of them were to her and I knew that she had hurt them both very deeply -- Damon more so than Stefan. After all, it had been Damon that wanted to save her even though she hadn't needed saving.

In some corner of my mind, I knew that one day I would lose him... would lose them both. I prepared myself for losing Stefan, and maybe I was waiting for it. I knew that he cared for me, but his love put me on a pedestal that I didn't want to be on. He would never change and would always be trying to protect me from everything. Nobody can live like that. It started causing a wedge in our relationship...

...or maybe I caused that wedge when I first met Damon. I couldn't get him out of my mind and then later, I couldn't get him out of my heart.

And now, we know that she's back. Having her back gives Stefan an excuse to withdraw completely and focus on her. She's come back and she's going to take my friend away. I could handle that. I would survive losing my friend. Not my love, my friend. We're better friends than lovers.

I could heal from that.

But she's going to take Damon, too.

I should have expected it. I shouldn't be so surprised and so hurt over it. After all, I'm the mirror image and she's the real thing. She had Damon's love and heart a long time ago and I can't compete with that.

Because, at least in this instance, the fourth one is the odd one out.

Muse: Elena Gilbert
Fandom: The Vampire Diaries, TV!Verse
Words: 328
Disclaimer: I am not Elena Gilbert, nor am I Nina Dobrev. Elena is a character created by writer LJ Smith, and Kevin Williamson, Julie Plec and Nina Dobrev bring her to life on the TV series.

Sweetheart is not a strong enough term to use to describe Damon and his place in my life. There's a connection that I have with him that is unlike anything I have ever had with anyone before.

I know that there have been doubts about my feelings and my devotion to Damon based on the fact that I was with Stefan first. I don't deny that and I don't deny that I did love Stefan. I still care about him, but now that emotion is that of a brother or of a close friend.

No, the one that I'm in love with and will always be until I breathe my last is indeed Damon. It's love and passion and something that I don't have the name for all rolled up into one. When he is hurting, I want to hurt whatever or whomever has caused him pain. When he's happy, I'm happy for him.

Damon always tells me things straight out. Oh, I'm sure that there are times he lies, because he's been used to doing that for so long. He doesn't lie to me nearly as much as he once did. No, he will tell me things no matter how much he thinks they might hurt because he wants me to know what's going on. He doesn't believe that keeping me in the dark about things keeps me safer.

That, and he will always be there to help me get through the bad times. No matter how much something may hurt or how close something may come to breaking me down, Damon will always be there, loving me and showing me that I'm not alone.

I won't let him be alone any longer, either. I love him.

Is he my sweetheart? Yes.

Is he also so much more? Yes.

Muse: Elena Gilbert
Fandom: The Vampire Diaries, TV!Verse
Words: 300
Disclaimer: I am not Elena Gilbert, nor am I Nina Dobrev. Elena is a character created by writer LJ Smith, and Kevin Williamson, Julie Plec and Nina Dobrev bring her to life on the TV series.

I didn't think it was possible for me to hate someone as much as I do now. Hatred wasn't something I thought about or ever thought myself capable of. I was the friendly person, the girl on the cheerleading squad who dated a football player and who did her best to take care of everyone she knew.

Then my world changed one spring and nothing was going to be the same. My parents were killed in a car crash and my family was suddenly down to my brother and my aunt.

Even after that, I didn't hate. I was sad and depressed, but I didn't hate anyone for the accident that stole our parents from us. I missed them, I didn't know how I was going to get through all of the pain, but there was no hatred there.

Summer came and I broke up with the football player and I watched my brother turn to drugs to cope with everything. Everything was going wrong, and yet I still didn't know how to hate.

This was all going to change when I met the Salvatore brothers and heard their stories.

Stefan and Damon. Two brothers and yet they were so completely different.

It was because of Damon that I learned to hate, but not for the reasons you probably think. It's not Damon I hate.

It's Katherine. The monster that I look so much like. She’s the one that I hate and will always hate.

She hurt the brothers and she played them against each other, causing them to hate and distrust each other so much. She came between them and ruined anything that had ever bonded them together as family because it was all a game to her and to her they were her toys. But she went too far with Damon. She allowed him to believe the worst lie imaginable. He believed that she was trapped in a tomb and he waited 150 years to be able to save her and bring her back to him.

She lied.

She was never trapped in that church and trapped in that tomb after the church burned down. She allowed Damon to believe that lie for 150 years. She knew where he was and that he thought the worst had happened to her and she did nothing about that. She never contacted him -- even though she always knew how to find him.

The look on his face when he realized what she had done was a look that I hope to never seen on him again. I know he doesn't realize how shocked and saddened he looked. I'm sure he doesn't realize that he look crushed for a matter of moments. However, as I hugged him and wanted to comfort him, I realized that I was feeling an emotion I had never felt before. I held onto him and wanted to take away his pain, even as I was experiencing a new emotion.

In that moment, I learned to hate.

Muse: Elena Gilbert
Fandom: The Vampire Diaries, TV!Verse
Words: 500
Disclaimer: I am not Elena Gilbert, nor am I Nina Dobrev. Elena is a character created by writer LJ Smith, and Kevin Williamson, Julie Plec and Nina Dobrev bring her to life on the TV series.